Gut Punch
by Sutoritaimu
Summary: losing family sucks
1. gut punch

Loss, it's like a punch to the gut, sometimes it doesn't hurt then other times it's like you take another hit and it hurts like hell, other times it's like a dull ache. That's the thing with loss, sometimes you forget that you felt or have loss, forget the pain, the hurt, the emptiness that accompanies it… all of it. Then, sometimes, it's all you can ever feel and you can't remember a time when you didn't feel it. And that's what losing family is like. Sometimes you wish you could take their place, that way their loss is never felt, other times you get so angry at them for leaving that you feel guilty. Sometimes you want to curl up in a ball and disappear or cry yourself dry, cry the pain away, other days you forget that they're gone… forget that they left you behind and expect them to walk through the door, to comfort you, at any moment, but then the reality hits… it hits you like a ton of bricks and your heart sinks achingly and you don't know how to breathe or even think without them. That's how I felt when Snart finally let me out of the hold on the waverider and told me what he done to my brother, to Mick. Mick had been there for me my whole life, and because he made a decision to save the ship, save the crew, they punished him for it. If it was anyone else on the waverider who made that decision they would have been given the benefit of doubt and they wouldn't have been banished the way Mick was. I couldn't look at Snart, I couldn't look at any of them. I had to get away, leave them all behind, I was so angry at them, especially Snart. How could he do that to Mick, to me, he knows what Mick means to me and I know what Mick means to Snart, I wasn't mad at him for volunteering to take my brother – I would rather that Snart done that than Rip - I was mad at him for not defending him while I was lying unconscious in the MedBay. I locked myself in his room and cried, I cried hard. I looked over at the present that Mick had left for me because we lost track of what day or month we were on with all of the time travelling and he feared he'd missed my birthday. I couldn't bring myself to open it let alone look at it, but I couldn't throw it out either, it's the last thing my big brother gave me…

"Miss Rory, Mr Snart is outside the door, shall I let him in?" Great. The last thing I want is to see or speak to anyone, especially Snart. Why won't he just leave me to mourn my brother in peace? Snart's voice came over the intercom "Remi, come on, open the door. Let me explain! Let me talk to you!" "Gideon, lock the door, I don't want to talk to anyone. Especially Snart." "Certainly, Miss Rory". Lying on Mick's bed with the intercom turned off is so quiet. It feels like it was just yesterday that Leonard, Lisa, Mick and I were all chilling out and having a laugh and a drink at the Hole in the Wall bar drinking beer and playing pool. Pool teams generally consisted of sibling's vs siblings or boy's vs girls, either way it generally ended with Mick or Leonard trying to cheat, Mick generally by slightly moving the white ball or Leonard very subtly putting you off with slight 'innocent' touches that make you question whether or not he actually touched me. I missed those days. Missed hanging out with Lisa. There was a bang on Mick's room door, I assumed that Snart had talked Palmer into using his Atom suit to try and break down the door.

I finally got up off Mick's bed and went over to his stash of old records that he must have taken when we went on one of your time travelling escapades. I doubted very much if Mick had even looked through them let alone listened to them. I pulled out one which looked vaguely familiar and placed it on the old record player that I had spent a month and a half trying to fix for Mick's birthday. It was highly unlikely that it would work but someone should try it out, right? The crackling of the record player as I turned it on and placed the needle at the start of the track was almost deafening in the stillness of the room. When the music began, it was quiet and subtle but eventually blues music echoed through the room and once the volume button was discovered it was easy to drown out the sound of Palmer trying to break through the door. I lay back down on Mick's bed with my head buried in his pillows. It was the sound of the door finally being pried open which made me jump with a start, that's when I realised that the record player had stopped, then I noticed Sarah and Kendra standing in the doorway.

Tag; #lot x reader #dc x reader #leonard snart x reader #snart x reader#mick rory x reader #mick x reader #lot long-shot #lot one-shot#credit: sutoritaimu #Writer: Ace lot legends of tomorrow

Visiting mick and leonard in jail

Sleeping and having a nightmare – leading up to medbay

Mick being the cause for medbay (possible child loss)

Having an 'elemental gun' and powers? (one or the other?)

Flash forward?

Backstory? (flashbacks) – maybe as nightmares

Mick sitting in the grass holding you while parents house is on fire

See if anything clicks with Against the Current song – Outsiders, I Prevail – Scars, Against the Current – Paralyzed.


	2. gut punch 2

The past couple of days… or was it weeks? It was hard to tell on the waverider at the best of times, never mind after what I'd went through. All the days just seem to merge into one recently, whichever one it was, days or weeks, it was difficult. Every time the temptation to re-join the team crosses my mind I would finally get ready and get to the door before the sudden realisation would hit, if I done this, if I re-joined the team would that mean betraying the memory of my brother? That I was moving on without him? Ready to accept that he was never coming back and that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life? No brother to turn to, no one. These were the thoughts that would make me retreat to the comfort and safety of Mick's room. Sara and Kendra both tried to get me to train, to get my mind off what had happened. Ray tried to get me to help him with repairs and upgrades to the atom suit. Jax tried sports, music, drawing, writing, reading, even helping him with keeping up the maintenance works on the WaveRider. None of it peaked or held my interest for too long, I'd get bored or disinterested within a couple of days. Even Rip tried to help by getting me to do, and help with, different and varying kinds of research. That worked for about a week, maybe a week and a half and then I found myself retreating to Mick's room again. Being in the same room as, never mind looking at, Snart was still difficult. There must have been at least two 'missions' which had occurred since I checked out of the whole 'team' thing, from what I picked up from Jax and Palmer, they were interesting.

It took a few more weeks before, finally, I felt confident enough to leave Mick's room and sleep in my own room, in my own bed. Although the night mostly consisted of me tossing and turning all night, y'know, when I wasn't waking up with nightmares. Overall, I deemed the night a success, mostly because I hadn't retreated to Mick's room, I managed to keep myself in my own room. It made me feel more… human… more… me. Ray and, oddly enough, Stein, both kept telling me to take 'baby steps, that's all it takes, one foot at a time. Sometimes it's the smallest victories which give us the biggest the successes.' Feeling more human, I got out of bed and went in for a shower. Another small victory. Everything still felt weird, surreal, like life was playing an extendedly cruel joke on me. Almost like being on one of those not-so-funny candid camera prank shows. I hardly registered the hot water falling over me, it wasn't until I realised that I was halfway through my shower routine that I realised that I had zoned out, went into autopilot. When I was satisfied that I hadn't missed anything from my shower routine I got out and wrapped my towel around me, drying off I took my time to ensure that the feeling of being human wasn't a temporary thing. Once I was sure that I was sure that I was feeling human I got dressed and left the safety of my room. It wasn't until I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window of the WaveRider that I realised that I had one of Mick's old tops on with my dark jeans and combat boots. Taking a deep breath and pulling the sleeves over my hands I walked towards the mess hall/kitchenette area of the WaveRider. Once I got there I made myself some breakfast, after a twenty-minute deliberation, I eventually went with cereal and fruit. From how still and quiet the ship was I could only assume that everyone was either out on assignment or still asleep. Either way I enjoyed the fact that the ship was so still, it allowed me to eat my breakfast in peace and at my own pace. To get use to not being in the rooms. I glanced at a book which was lying on the table, from the subject matter I can only assume it belongs to either Stein or Palmer.

Just when I was starting to feel a little more human and was around halfway through the book, and my breakfast, I heard voices coming down the corridor, towards the mess hall. The loudness of the voices brought my attention away from the book briefly, long enough to see that it was Stein, Palmer and Jax who were entering the room. It seemed like they were arguing about something, they were so focused on their argument that they didn't notice me, which suited me fine, I just drew my attention back to the book. They were arguing about something mechanical or something to do with physics anyway. It was when I felt eyes upon me that made me notice that the three of them had stopped their arguing. Then I looked up. "Can I help you with something? A picture lasts longer y'know," I raised my eyebrows as I addressed them. When none of them responded, I rolled my eyes and returned my attention to the book again. In my peripheral I could still see them staring at me, Ray and Jax both open mouthed, while Stein looked at me like I was a broken puppy or toy or something. Ray was the first to recover enough to speak to me. "Hey, you look well today," he smiled at me like a little kid who had just got the gold star. Jax just looked at me like I was a ghost, while Stein now had one of those, creepy, sympathetic smiles that people tend to give. "Something in my hair?" I didn't look up at them as I spoke.

I must have been on autopilot or something because the next thing that I knew I was in the library annex thing from the WaveRider. Apparently, I was in there with Kendra because she was waving her hand in front of my face, repeating my name. "Hmm, what?" I stared at Kendra for a couple of moments, trying to see if I could recall what she'd said. "Rem, are you ok? It's like you're here but you're not all at the same time, it's kinda creepy. Are you sure you're alright?" Kendra just looked at me with a mixture of sympathy and concern. "Honestly, Kendra, I have no idea." I gave an airy, hollow laugh and shrug, "but I know that if I don't at least try to interact with the real world, then I might not be able to again." Kendra just looked at me like I was made of glass and would break at any moment, but it was mixed with something else, I didn't know what it was but it irked me. "Honestly Kendra, please don't look at me like that. It's hard enough without everyone treating me like I'm a porcelain doll that will break at any moment if they breathe the wrong way, and it's hard enough without everyone else walking on eggshells around me! I'm still human! I'm not a one-person pity show!" I stood up and stormed out, heading back to the sleeping quarters.

I stopped just short of Mick's room but just after mine, and collapsed, crying. I don't know why, but I also couldn't stop. I pulled my legs up to my chest and pulled Mick's shirt over my knees and pulled the sleeves down over my hands and wept into his shirt. It still smelled like him, it was simultaneously comforting yet upsetting.


End file.
